Twinned and Confused

Managing one crazy day at a time

First blog post

This is my first blog ever!  It will be rough, raw and honest.  I am not a typical stay-at-home mom and have a hard time relating to them.  I also do not know ONE single twin mom my age.  And if you are a twin mom you know that singleton mothers (especially the ones that say I have two kids in diapers–give me a break!!) just do not understand the difficulties that having twins entails.  On top of having two bundles of joy I am also an exclusive pumper.  This is a topic that can be “controversial”.  And by controversial I mean people judge you.  Why don’t you breastfeed? Why not just formula feed? I mean who really damn cares how I feed my babies as long as they are getting fed, right?  I am pretty much trying to figure this out on most days by myself as my husband works and is on call quite often.  So, I am starting this blog to potentially help any twin mothers, vent, relate, and to give tips on products that have made keeping my sanity possible and managing two babies at one time! So, enjoy.  Feel free to comment or ask questions and I will be more than happy to respond.  This is a work in progress, so bear with me but there will be more to come.

Featured post

Chronicles of an Exclusive Pumper: What would you do?

I was proposed with a hypothetical proposition yesterday and it really has me thinking.  I would love others perspective on it.

As mentioned in a previous blog (Pump it up) I exclusively pump for my bubs.  I have from the day they were born and 7 months and 3 weeks later I am still going strong.  I pump seven times a day including one in the middle of the night pump (because it yields my second highest pump of the day).  I pump for a total of 2 hours and 20ish minutes a day.  That is 16.33 hours a week.  Almost a full day of pumping a week.  I have been considering dropping a pump because one of them runs closer to two others and I am getting quite a stock on milk.  At any given time I have approximately 118 ounces of milk in the fridge and a couple dozen bags in the freezer.  However, I am terrified to drop a pump.  Who knows what it will do to my regulated supply.

I have a nurse that comes to my house to check on the babies once a month or so.  I asked her about dropping a pump.  She told me that it’s really up in the air because like I said who knows how my body will react.  She came to the same conclusion I did:  you don’t know until you try.  However, the pump that I want to drop I already bumped down to 15 minutes instead of 20 minutes and I think I am going to drop it until 10 minutes for a week before dropping it altogether.  I have gone this long no sense in dropping cold turkey and taking the full risk, right?

The nurse inquired how long will I pump for?  At this point I have gone 8 months being milked like cattle so I’ve always had in my mind I would be shooting for a year.  It’s only 4 more months.  I am in the home stretch.  She asked me why I keep pumping.  She didn’t ask me in a judgmental way like most people do.  Because most people don’t get it.  I told her quite frankly we cannot afford formula.  We have gone down to one income but make too much for assistance and I have a free solution.  She then hit me with this hypothetical (kind of) proposition…

She asked if a pallet of formula showed up on my doorstep would I stop?  I thought about it probably for a whole minute before giving an answer.  Of course I will relish the day that I can take a bat to my pump.  On the other hand, I love the fact that I have been able to give my babies milk as the majority of their diet.  They get 4 milk bottles a day and one formula bottle (just so I don’t stress myself out about my supply–seems weird I know).  However, what could I accomplish with those extra 16 hours a week back.  I could focus on making their foods.  At this point about once a week I make a batch of homemade baby food and the rest is store bought.  It would be so much cheaper if I could do it on a regular basis and probably better for the babies as well.  But lets face it, there just isn’t enough hours in the day.  After thinking about my answer, I told her I would probably give up pumping if I had enough formula to last them until they were weaned.  Why not?

She then told me that there may be a chance that she could get that much formula for me.  Holy crap, this could be a possibility?  But I couldn’t sleep last night for whatever reasons and I thought harder about this.  I can produce milk and I do.  Would it make my life easier if I could stop pumping? YES. Without a doubt, yes.  But someone out there might not be able to and could be in a worse financial state and need that formula.

I’m not going to stress about a potential scenario.

But I am curious, what would you do?

Sleepless in the (mother)hood

Earlier this week I made this whiny rant about being tired.  Not tired because my precious bubs aren’t sleeping through the night, although they are still getting up before the roosters crow, but because I have insomnia.  At first I thought that there was something wrong with me in the sense that something unusual going on.  However, I did something I probably should stay away from and I googled postpartum insomnia.  Did you know this is a real thing?

I stumbled upon this article from the Baby Sleep Site:

They say that postpartum insomnia can be linked to postpartum depression and I definitely have my highs and lows to my days but I am not really asymptomatic of postpartum depression.  Although I definitely and clearly have some kind of insomnia going on and it feels good to know that it is a real thing.  I have trouble falling asleep but more than anything I have trouble staying asleep.  Every little thing wakes me up.  If I hear a baby I might as well forget about it.  It’s not even that they cry in the middle of the night but if I hear them cough or shift in their cribs over the baby monitor I will lay there for hours fixated on it.  And even after they go to sleep I will think that I hear them.  That phenomena is mentioned on the article as well.  In the depths of the night I would lay there and think I must be losing my mind.Its soemthing I have struggled with since the babies and I often scoff at people who say sleep when the babies sleep.  It’s so much easier said than done for me.

I also ordered some Nighty Night Tea from Amazon.  It’s supposed to be arriving today and I will try adding that to my bedtime routine.  I will update and see how that goes.  I am pretty excited about it (that’s how lame I am).

I have also tried doing some deep breathing techniques.  I can feel myself stressing about being awake and not being able to sleep that my whole body tenses up.  So, I am trying to loosen up.

Does anyone have experience with postpartum insomnia?

Oh and happy Friday everyone!










Control Freak or Justified?

Good morning!

I am writing this blog to hopefully get some advice or perspective on an issue that I am having.

My husband and I haven’t had a moment out by ourselves in over two and a half months.  The plain truth is that we don’t have much help.  I’m in the process of looking or about to try out a babysitter.  But I am scared as hell to tell the truth.

I want to know whether I am a control freak or are these feelings justified?  I know that someone else that cares for my babies are not going to do it exactly like I do it.  I am a drill sergeant when it comes to my schedule and I know that.  However, I was never the kind of person that just goes with the flow.  I am a planner and thrive on schedules and deadlines.  Having twins though, I feel like if I didn’t have consistency we would all go up in flames.  I know there is always some leeway with the schedule depending on what time they wake up, etc. but the basics are all the same.  They are still eating X amount of times a day and have X amount of naps.  I am not quite sure that anyone would understand unless they had to care for the babies for more than just an afternoon.  Anyone can make it through a day with two crabby babies, but the truth is when they get off schedule they are usually nightmares for a couple of days.  And that is no joke nor an exaggeration.

I feel like the problem with certain people watching the babies is that I cannot set the strict baseline guidelines that need to be set.  The things that are not up for negotiation for me are the fact that the babies eat every 4 hours, when they wake up then around 10:00 a.m., 2:00 p.m., and then they get a snack bottle around 5:30 (just to get them to bed a little later per doctor’s recommendation) and then at 7:15ish is their nighttime bottle.  Also, not up for negotiation are naps.  They go down around 8:30 and up at 10:00 and from 12:30 or 12:45 to around 2:00 and then a catnap around 4:45.  There is no negotiation when it comes to naps.  The babies need their naps and they are absolutely miserable if they don’t get them.  Not only that the day time sleep greatly affects how they will be at night. If they miss a nap or you let them nap too long they are up many times throughout the night not to eat but because they want to play.  I feel like when I try to explain this to someone watching the babies that they get offended.  They think they know better but the honest truth is that these guidelines are my truth and what works best for the babies which in turns works best for me.  Now the time that they are awake as long as they aren’t crying I feel like that is open . I have my routine of what goes on while they are awake but I wouldn’t expect someone to follow that exactly.

I think that people think because they have a kid or raised a kid that they can do what they want.  I wonder if they felt that way when others watched their kids? Have they forgotten? Or do they not care?

Also, I have a tough exterior but the truth is that I try to please too many people and am scared to offend anyone so often my needs and desires get walked on.  But it’s really not about me anymore.  To me it’s about the welfare of my children.  I know that one day that I go out will not ruin them forever but why put them through undue stress when they don’t have to be.  My husband and I had errands to run last week and the boys missed their last nap, they were crabby for days afterwards.  Could it be a coincidence? Sure it could be but do I want to take the risk when I am in the house with them 24/7? NO!

So, my question is that unreasonable?  Am I being irrational to what my schedule followed while I’m not around?

Hellish Week

I had grand intentions on writing in the blog over the weekend about topics that may help other twin mommas.  However, its been on of those weeks. Wait, it’s only Tuesday. Right? I don’t even know what day it is anymore.  I haven’t really slept in three days.  I have twins so it’s because of them, right? NO.  The answer is no.  They have slept fairly well the last few nights.

The night before last I was exhausted.  I went to bed before 9:00 p.m.  My husband and I laid down and had our normal routine of talking for a few minutes.  As I was about to fall asleep, Noah started screaming over the baby monitor.  Apparently he was having a bad dream.  So, my husband went into his room and comforted him.  We got comfy back in bed and I was about to drift back to slumber when the damn cat started meowing.  My cat, Lola, does this thing where she will bring a toy into the room and meow with it in her mouth for quite a few minutes.  We yelled at her to shut up and she did.  I was bout to fall asleep again and then the other cat felt the need to knead me like a piece of dough.  I was about to give up and just say forget it.  But I finally fell asleep somewhere after 10:30.  I felt like I had just fallen back to sleep when all of a sudden I awoke to what sounded like a jackhammer.  It was my husband snoring.  I looked at my watch and it was only 11:30  I wanted to cry, but I figured I would get my pumping out of the way.  It always takes me well over an hour to fall back to sleep after I pump.  Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep.  I dozed in and out of restless sleep for the rest of the night and finally got up to pump and start the day around 5:30.  I get very little time to my self, even pumping I often have an audience…

creep cat

Here’s the creep cat starting her antics first thing in the morning.

I can usually deal with lack of sleep for only a few nights before I start to lose my mind.  Then I am just too tired to fight sleep and I will sleep well for a few nights and then it starts all over again.  It’s a vicious cycle that has been going on since I found out I was pregnant.

Also, the babies are going through a monster stage.  They must be getting ready to cut a tooth at some point.  They are almost 8 months old and they have been chewing on everything like crazy.  Since Sunday they have been super fussy, tired and drooling like crazy.  However, they have made some major leaps.  Both are starting to roll over from front to back and trying to crawl.  Actually it looks more like they are trying to swim while on their bellies.

In perspective, calling this a hell week is a bit dramatic but everything always seems worse on a lack of sleep!  Things are not that bad and sometimes I just need a reality check, maybe a slap in the face and out of my pity party!

Friday Thoughts

Just a few things running through my head this morning…

I joined a multiples group on Facebook and I saw a woman make a post, she seemed to be at her wit’s end. She asked if anyone has anyone imagined putting a gun to their head. I think every new mom could relate being very frustrated, especially those with multiples! But for some reason, I thought about that woman many times through the night. I’ve been to the point where I’ve been crying on the floor with my boys. In the beginning I had fleeting thoughts that I wouldn’t be a good mom and they would be better off if I just drove into the sunset. That was in the beginning and I for sure going through some baby blues. I still have my rough days but I always try to verbalize it. I thought the woman who was posting that was strong for putting herself out there like that.  Maybe she was looking for help but maybe that was her last straw.  Either way I hope that she is okay.

I think it’s important for new moms to be able to talk opening about their feelings, to not be embarrassed about what they are feeling and to not be shamed for it.  In my journey I have had a roller coaster of emotions.  Some days are great and others not so much.  It comes in waves.  Sometimes its hard for the bad days to stick out more than the good ones.  Which is unfortunate.  I also know what it is like to not have a break for months on end.  I lost a brother two Christmases ago to suicide.  He left behind a young daughter. Maybe that is why the woman’s comment haunted me so.  I hope for her sake and the sake of her family that she is able to get help in whatever form she needs it.  I don’t have many people read my blog posts but if anyone out there is struggling, I would be more than happy to listen.  Even if the listening is just through a keyboard, sometimes just having someone out there is enough.  Kind of solemn for a Friday thought but then again just trying to shine some hope on a tough subject.

On another note I am glad it is Friday! I will be enjoying some bipolar weather.  Yesterday was 76 degrees, sunny in the morning and storming by the evening.  Today it is in the 30’s and calling for snow tomorrow.  Mother nature is obviously having a manic episode!

I hope that everyone enjoys their weekends!

Best Baby Toys?

As a new mom I am constantly concerned if I am doing the “right” things to help boost my babies’ development.  Am I providing enough stimulus? Too much stimulus? Are the toys promoting all the right sensory and development?  Here are some toys in this moment of time (the bubs are 7 months old) that my babies enjoy.  I would love feedback or suggestions on what other toys mommies out there love!

  1. This Leap Frog Drum has helped teach my babies to sit up and I cannot rave how much I love it.  When I went to my babies’ six month appointment the pediatrician asked if my babies were tripod sitting yet.  I said they had been but now just throw themselves backwards and they don’t want any part of it.  She was concerned and said that if they don’t sit up soon she wanted them to go to physical therapy.  I was frustrated because they were sitting up.  So, I sat them up and put the drum between their little legs and they held onto the handle and it gave them the motivation to want to sit up.  Gabriel also has a hitting problem.  So, I tried re-directing him to the drum and he started to hit that and since his problem seemed to ease up quite a bit.
  2. Vtech Activity Cube may be a little advanced for my 7 month old bubs but I love it because it lights up and is another toy that helps them sit up.  They love to sit up and hit the buttons and play with the letter cubes.  It will be a toy that can grow with them and eventually help teach them colors, shapes, alphabet and sorting.  But for now it really does hold their interest.
  3. Sophie the Giraffe.  At first I was against getting this teething toy, I thought it was an overpriced piece of rubber (and it may still be but it works).  I thought they had enough toys to chew on.  This may not boost development but I cannot rave about this product enough.  It really is the best teething toy that the boys have.  They love chewing on it and it keeps them occupied for quite a while.
  4. This Baby Einstein music box has been a life saver.  I use this in the moments that the babies are on the verge of a meltdown, especially in places like the doctor because it’s small and portable.  The six or so songs that it plays are classical and I even find them soothing.  I find them to be tolerable compared to other comparable toys and the flashing lights draw the babies in and really seems to relax them.
  5. This little Baby Einstein Piano is one of my favorites.  It really taught the bubs cause and effect.  It has different settings: numbers, animal sounds, different languages and musical instruments.  I first gave it to Gabriel when he was sitting in his high chair while I tried to do the dishes.  The next thing I know he was hitting all the buttons and the look on his face was priceless.  He kind of looked like, “hey, I just did that.”  He just kept hitting the number 3 then 4 and it kept him occupied for about 15 minutes.  He loves this toy.  Also, as they have gotten a little bigger they know sit up with this on the floor and hit the buttons.
  6. Fisher Price Poppity-Pop Dinosaur is kind of obnoxious but I really enjoy playing with the bubs with this toy.  It plays music and pops the balls up and come out the dinosaur mouth.  The babies are able to grab ahold of the sides and watch the balls.  Just yesterday they started to pick up the balls and drop them in.  As a new mom, I always think all the new things they do are amazing so of course I was swooning over them for being so smart.
  7. These simple toys are by bubs’ absolute favorite, Fisher Price Rattle.  It keeps them occupied for a long time.  I appreciate that one of the sides is plush, because they were always smashing themselves in the face with one side of their other rattles.  It also helped them learn to pass toys back and forth between hands when they were smaller and they still love these darn rattles.  Something so simple could keep them occupied for so long!
  8. This toy drives my husband absolutely crazy, the Fisher Price Tummy Time Snail.  For a long time my bubs HATED tummy time with a passion and now I cannot keep one little bub from rolling over CONSTANTLY.  This toy helped occupy them while on their little tummies.  It lights up and plays music, but most importantly it has a mirror on it.  And even though I have two babies that could just look at each other if they wanted to look in the mirror, they love looking at themselves.  So vain 🙂
  9. The bubs love touch and feel books . They even flip the pages themselves or at least try to.  I’ve been reading to them since they were probably falling asleep before a books end but I like these because they can partake although I wish there was more to read on the pages.
  10. The Oball rattles are one of their favorites, but looks like those have been recalled! Eekkk
  11. I have the Fisher Price stacking rings and Fisher Price first blocks but they have just started to sit up in the last three weeks so they aren’t terribly interested in these right away.  One of their favorite things to play with is actually a set of measuring cups while they are in their high chairs after eating.  Although they haven’t mastered the stacking yet.

Not that I want to spend tons and tons on toys that the babies will outgrow super quickly, I want to help aide them in learning and developing.  These are our favorite toys at this moment in time.  Do you have any great suggestions?

Maniacal Mondays

I’ll make this post short and bittersweet…

I used to hate Mondays because it was the start of my work week. It would be hard for me to get up and get going from the nice weekend with my husband. I would get up, get my shower, my coffee maybe make and smoothie and make the half and hour trek to work. From there I would start my monotonous 5 day work week fetching and being a glorified gopher.

Now, we’ll now it’s all different.

Now Mondays are sad because my partner, my mate, my help goes back to work. I’m back to being out numbered by two dictators. I mean look how maniacal they are…

They are plotting against me already!

Now I will be counting the days to the weekend for a different reason. To be on an even playing field!

When the Floor Weakens: The Things They Don’t Tell You About

***Warning Content May Not Be Suitable for the Weak or Ones That May Not Want to Read About Pelvic Floor Weakness A.K.A MEN :)***

I’m writing on the topic below not because it’s something that I am ecstatic to write about (I’m kind of embarrassed actually) but because I wish I would have known before or even after delivery that this could be a problem and that there is noninvasive help.  So, I hope at least one person could benefit from reading this or relate.

I feel like there were many things that I was not told about during my pregnancy and once I gave birth I went in for a 6 week check and then sent on my merry way.  There were things I wish I would have known along the way and afterwards.  However, I was going to a maternal fetal specialist for my care.  He is there to save lives not necessarily as a life coach and I get that.  And without a doubt he saved my Baby B’s life during delivery.  So, I’m not really complaining about it.  It’s just in retrospect a few extra tips would have saved me from months of after care.

Despite what some have said, my delivery wasn’t “easy”.  Despite some complications delivering two babies isn’t frickin’ easy and if some people think so you try it.  My labor was long and the delivery was short.  You do that math that means that I pushed out two human lives within a very short amount of time.  I went into Labor & Delivery around 3:00 p.m. to be induced and I didn’t start pushing until 5:00 a.m. the next day and my first baby emerged at 6:51 a.m. and the next baby at 7:05 a.m.  I got no sleep from the time I went into Labor & Delivery and never even got a nap.  I didn’t get to sleep until  10:00 p.m. the next day. If I ever do this again I’ve learned my lesson on how I would address things.  If I did it again the day of delivering is for me and my husband.  NO VISITORS.  I was exhausted nauseous and in the most pain I had ever been in.  All I wanted was to shower and see my baby in the NICU.  I know everyone gets excited about seeing a new baby, but ultimately it’s about you for once.  But I digress (as usual).

Pushing Baby A out was normal, at least I think so.  I’ve never done it before but there were no issues and I could take my time.  Baby B had a prolapsed umbilical cord and his heart rate was dropping.  I had to push constantly for at least 10 minutes.  No breaks in between pushes and I mean not even to catch my breath.  During this time I knew it was dire and my only thought was I have to get this baby out.  I HAVE TO.  So I didn’t even really think about anything else.  My husband said at one point my doctor had both arms in there up to his elbows.  And I know that I pushed with all my might.  I should have know that months later there would be issues but it was never discussed with me so I didn’t think much of it.  Also, during my pregnancy I was in pain A LOT.  I felt like my whole pelvis was on fire and that my undercarriage was ripping away.  My doctor told me that it was round ligament pain and that it was normal.  Getting a brace was mentioned once, but if I had to do it again I would have definitely have gotten one.  My doctor had told me that round ligament pain was everything stretching and making room for baby but I was never told that doesn’t resolve itself after delivery.  For some women it may be obvious for them to practice their kegels during pregnancy, but it was never told to me and I was much worried about other things during my high risk pregnancy.

Around 3 months postpartum I hadn’t really even looked down there.  I was scared.  I had an episiotomy  after delivering.  The doctor had made quite a huge cut in my perineum for reasons described above.  I didn’t know what it would look like afterwards and I didn’t want to know.  But at about three months postpartum I had gotten my good old friend, flo.  So, I tried to use a tampon because that was what I was used to doing prior to giving birth.  The first time the tampon just fell out.  Not because it was so loose that it just fell out but it kind of pushed its way out.  Second time the same thing.  I thought it was odd but kind of expected things to be different.  I finally took a hand mirror and noticed a protrusion down yonder.  It of course freaked me out.  So, bad I had my husband investigate.  Poor guy.  It’s amazing that we take our vows so seriously.  This man has literally seen everything and me at my absolute worst.  I had noticed that I was leaking urine when lifting, coughing, laughing and I had trouble making it to the bathroom.  All of which is always joked about after delivery so I thought it was normal.  But ladies this is NOT normal.  It’s not.

I made an appointment with my regular OB/GYN.  After a quick exam she diagnosed me with a prolapsed bladder from a weakened pelvic floor.  She said it was fairly normal after delivery and very normal after a traumatic delivery.  She said there was several courses of treatment but mine was actually fairly mild and she prescribed me physical therapy . I thought physical therapy what can they do for me that I wouldn’t be able to do at home?  She had given me a script for a women’s health physical therapist.  Normally I would probably blow something like this off but I decided after delivering I wasn’t going to let my health go and this was not a comfortable problem.  I made an appointment that day.  I was scared to go and did not know what to expect.  When they told me that I would be with a woman I was more comfortable.  Not sure if you guys have been to a physical therapy place but to I’ve seen young males all the time.  That’s the last person I want to be helping me with this issue.  On my first appointment, my physical therapist put me at ease right away.  She was very sweet and she told me that she would build a course of action depending on my progress each week.  During the first appointment she told me that all the things that women joke about, like leaking urine after delivery isn’t normal.  And that it can in fact lead to other chronic health problems like reoccurring UTI’s.  She told me to get Poise pads.  To me that was embarrassing.  I didn’t want to buy incontinence pads.  What was I, 80 years old?  But I did. She then gave me various pelvic floor exercises and told me the proper way to do Kegels.  I was doing them wrong all along or at least in a way that wasn’t getting the best results to strengthen my pelvic wall.  She also discussed my bathroom habits.  Apparently I pee way to often and that doesn’t do justice for your bladder.  I didn’t know that.  I always thought it was bad to hold it, but really I was tricking my brain into thinking I had to go that often or  I was irritating my bladder with stimulants like caffeine.  Knowledge really is power and I had no idea.  After the first visit I did think what in the hell else could she do for me that I couldn’t do at home.  It was hard to find someone to watch my babies while I went and it was kind of an inconvenience.

But during the course of my treatment she actually did internal work.  She did biofeedback to make sure my muscles were working properly she even did internal work.  She did massage on my pelvic floor muscles to ensure that they were relaxed.  This may sound incredibly awkward but during delivery and during my three-day stint in the hospital everyone including the janitor saw my woo haw or at least that is how it felt.  So, at this point I didn’t really care, I just wanted to be better.  The therapist also made me feel comfortable and she had had triplets.  I knew she knew what it felt like to be in this situation.  On my last visit, I expressed to her how much I appreciated her help and knowledge.  Everyone makes it out to be normal to have issues like leakage after delivery to be normal and it’s not.  There is help out there and my insurance covered all but $11.00 for each PT visit.  It truly was a reasonable course of treatment and very effective.  The therapist told me to expect there to be some reoccurrence of issues, that the prolapse can worsen again, but to keep up with my exercises.  I try to do them once a day.

I think it’s important for women to know that: 1. this isn’t normal and 2. there is help for these kinds of issues.

Continued Anxiety about Leaving the House

I have anxiety when it comes to almost every aspect of my life however it has been compounded and exacerbated by having babies.  I am anxious without even really realizing it.  All of a sudden at the end of the day I realize that my neck and shoulder hurt so bad from tensing up all day.  Sometimes out of no where my chest feels tight and I feel it hard to breath.  One of my biggest triggers comes from leaving the house with the babies as mentioned before.  I realize that I cannot trigger my fears until I leave the house and get used to it.  However, I will leave an my worst fears are solidified some how.

Yesterday my hubby was off work again.  We went to brunch.  I love breakfast food and it’s been almost a year since we went to our favorite breakfast spot.  It’s always packed on the weekends and lets face it bringing babies there would have freaked me out even worse in the early days, although it probably would have been easier then.  It had been so long since we had been there that my hubby tried to order rye toast and the waitress said I’ve been here six months and we haven’t had that since I started.  Anyways, one of my “reasons” for my anxiety is the fact that the babies haven’t been sleeping well.  They have been waking up ridiculously early and at times waking up for an hour or so in the middle of the night to just “talk”.  I’ve been trying to get to the root of this problem, adjusting schedules, shortening nap times and all to no avail.  I even spoke to their pediatrician about this.  Her only suggestions were later bedtime, to push it back to 8:00.  That would turn my house into bubby meltdown galore.  She suggested shortening nap time to an hour and a half per nap.  I’ve been doing that for a couple of weeks now. No help.  So her only other suggestion is to visit a sleep clinic.  Sounds like a way to get more money but I’m so skeptical of the medical field after the bombardment of medical bills that I have gotten since the day I found out I was pregnant.  So, my point to this digression is that they fell asleep within five minutes of getting in the car on the way to the restaurant.  My anxiety automatically shot up.  There goes their sleep tonight I said to my husband.  He of course thought I was crazy.  He told me I always say that.  The thing he always forgets is that I’m usually right when it comes to this kind of thing and most things.

When we got to the restaurant we unloaded them and sat down in a booth.  The restaurant only had about 7 full tables, so I thought maybe it wouldn’t be that bad.  We were able to get our food and begin to eat before the screaming started.  They don’t cry, they scream.  I swear I saw a glass start to crack from across the restaurant.  There was a man and woman sitting in a both across the room from us.  I could see her look over say something to her significant other and they both began to stare.  Which I get.  Before I had kids the sight of a baby being sat next to me in a restaurant would instantly send me into disgust.  I came to that restaurant to eat in peace not listen to a little demon.  My attitude has completely change now I empathize with the poor parents I used to judge.  So, now I feel super self-conscious about my babies being disruptive.  I had brought some bananas for the babies to eat while we ate so we began to feed them which would keep them quiet for a minute or so between bites.  We were able to get our food down before the babies started their meltdowns.  I looked at my husband and I said do you want to pay or run with the babies.  He ran.  Literally.  Leaving me with the diaper bag, the food to be packed up, his coffee he wanted to go and the bill.  I laughed to myself as his dust settled from hightailing it out.  As I was paying, the owner looked at me and asked, “twins?”.  I smiled and said yes, loud twins.  He said I didn’t mind.  Half of me thought good the other half said I don’t care if you did care.  I just spent thirty bucks on brunch.

I figured while we were out we might as well go to the baby store.  Noah has outgrown his sleepsack and won’t sleep without one.  My husband isn’t around here and hasn’t gotten used to the area after three years.  But he ended up taking the long way to the store.  The looked back and the babies were asleep AGAIN! I thought dammit.  But didn’t say anything  because I knew he would think I’m crazy.  I still get anxiety about going to the store, well because I am me.  But 85% of the time they are pretty good and they love looking around.  When we got to the baby store they were good of course, and we spent way more than we needed to on stuff they probably don’t care about.  We left and loaded them back up and headed home.  It’s about a 25 minute ride and within minutes they were asleep again.  I instantly started panicking about the rest of the day.  Would they take their next nap still? I was certain that this was too much sleep for them.  I started to get anxiety about the overnight.  But in the back of my head I started to ask myself am I being irrational?

The answer to my question is NO! NO I WAS NOT BEING IRRATIONAL. The babies went to sleep at 7:30.  Noah was making noise at 9:30, then he woke up at 1:00 and spent quite awhile just “talking” and then he was up at 3:00 for 45 minutes “talking” and he was up at 5:00 to start the day.  I’m not exactly sure why so much waking up at night.  He doesn’t want to eat, etc.  I do know there is a correlation of getting too much day sleep and then not sleep at night.  So, on nights like that I know my anxiety isn’t totally irrational but that I cannot let it control my life.  I have to be able to get out of the house.  Some days I find myself talking myself out of going places for this exact reason.  It is so easy to become a prisoner in my own house for the sheer fact that I don’t want to jack with our schedule.  It’s hard to explain this to anyone because they don’t get it and quite possibly because I am slightly irrational at times and consumed with anxiety.

Tomorrow I have a trip to the doctor to get a second round of flu shot right smack dab in the middle of their nap time.  I’ve been dreading it for weeks.  So, wish me luck!

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