I have anxiety when it comes to almost every aspect of my life however it has been compounded and exacerbated by having babies.  I am anxious without even really realizing it.  All of a sudden at the end of the day I realize that my neck and shoulder hurt so bad from tensing up all day.  Sometimes out of no where my chest feels tight and I feel it hard to breath.  One of my biggest triggers comes from leaving the house with the babies as mentioned before.  I realize that I cannot trigger my fears until I leave the house and get used to it.  However, I will leave an my worst fears are solidified some how.

Yesterday my hubby was off work again.  We went to brunch.  I love breakfast food and it’s been almost a year since we went to our favorite breakfast spot.  It’s always packed on the weekends and lets face it bringing babies there would have freaked me out even worse in the early days, although it probably would have been easier then.  It had been so long since we had been there that my hubby tried to order rye toast and the waitress said I’ve been here six months and we haven’t had that since I started.  Anyways, one of my “reasons” for my anxiety is the fact that the babies haven’t been sleeping well.  They have been waking up ridiculously early and at times waking up for an hour or so in the middle of the night to just “talk”.  I’ve been trying to get to the root of this problem, adjusting schedules, shortening nap times and all to no avail.  I even spoke to their pediatrician about this.  Her only suggestions were later bedtime, to push it back to 8:00.  That would turn my house into bubby meltdown galore.  She suggested shortening nap time to an hour and a half per nap.  I’ve been doing that for a couple of weeks now. No help.  So her only other suggestion is to visit a sleep clinic.  Sounds like a way to get more money but I’m so skeptical of the medical field after the bombardment of medical bills that I have gotten since the day I found out I was pregnant.  So, my point to this digression is that they fell asleep within five minutes of getting in the car on the way to the restaurant.  My anxiety automatically shot up.  There goes their sleep tonight I said to my husband.  He of course thought I was crazy.  He told me I always say that.  The thing he always forgets is that I’m usually right when it comes to this kind of thing and most things.

When we got to the restaurant we unloaded them and sat down in a booth.  The restaurant only had about 7 full tables, so I thought maybe it wouldn’t be that bad.  We were able to get our food and begin to eat before the screaming started.  They don’t cry, they scream.  I swear I saw a glass start to crack from across the restaurant.  There was a man and woman sitting in a both across the room from us.  I could see her look over say something to her significant other and they both began to stare.  Which I get.  Before I had kids the sight of a baby being sat next to me in a restaurant would instantly send me into disgust.  I came to that restaurant to eat in peace not listen to a little demon.  My attitude has completely change now I empathize with the poor parents I used to judge.  So, now I feel super self-conscious about my babies being disruptive.  I had brought some bananas for the babies to eat while we ate so we began to feed them which would keep them quiet for a minute or so between bites.  We were able to get our food down before the babies started their meltdowns.  I looked at my husband and I said do you want to pay or run with the babies.  He ran.  Literally.  Leaving me with the diaper bag, the food to be packed up, his coffee he wanted to go and the bill.  I laughed to myself as his dust settled from hightailing it out.  As I was paying, the owner looked at me and asked, “twins?”.  I smiled and said yes, loud twins.  He said I didn’t mind.  Half of me thought good the other half said I don’t care if you did care.  I just spent thirty bucks on brunch.

I figured while we were out we might as well go to the baby store.  Noah has outgrown his sleepsack and won’t sleep without one.  My husband isn’t around here and hasn’t gotten used to the area after three years.  But he ended up taking the long way to the store.  The looked back and the babies were asleep AGAIN! I thought dammit.  But didn’t say anything  because I knew he would think I’m crazy.  I still get anxiety about going to the store, well because I am me.  But 85% of the time they are pretty good and they love looking around.  When we got to the baby store they were good of course, and we spent way more than we needed to on stuff they probably don’t care about.  We left and loaded them back up and headed home.  It’s about a 25 minute ride and within minutes they were asleep again.  I instantly started panicking about the rest of the day.  Would they take their next nap still? I was certain that this was too much sleep for them.  I started to get anxiety about the overnight.  But in the back of my head I started to ask myself am I being irrational?

The answer to my question is NO! NO I WAS NOT BEING IRRATIONAL. The babies went to sleep at 7:30.  Noah was making noise at 9:30, then he woke up at 1:00 and spent quite awhile just “talking” and then he was up at 3:00 for 45 minutes “talking” and he was up at 5:00 to start the day.  I’m not exactly sure why so much waking up at night.  He doesn’t want to eat, etc.  I do know there is a correlation of getting too much day sleep and then not sleep at night.  So, on nights like that I know my anxiety isn’t totally irrational but that I cannot let it control my life.  I have to be able to get out of the house.  Some days I find myself talking myself out of going places for this exact reason.  It is so easy to become a prisoner in my own house for the sheer fact that I don’t want to jack with our schedule.  It’s hard to explain this to anyone because they don’t get it and quite possibly because I am slightly irrational at times and consumed with anxiety.

Tomorrow I have a trip to the doctor to get a second round of flu shot right smack dab in the middle of their nap time.  I’ve been dreading it for weeks.  So, wish me luck!