I wanted to start this rainy Monday morning with a positive note, however, the truth is that yesterday I had a very shitty day and I always told myself when I started this blog that this would be my truth. The truth is that yesterday was a cluster and I had a complete and utter meltdown.
I went into yesterday morning with a positive attitude at least I thought I did. My husband on the other hand started the morning calling me Debbie as in Debbie Downer. I had made a comment earlier in the week that “optimism perpetuates false hope”. At the time we were discussing how the day was going to go. The bubs had started that day super early and were completely fussy. That usually carries on as the day goes on. I know this because I am home all day with them, he gets to check it at the door and come home with a new perspective. I should have just taken his optimism and smiled but I am blunt and say whatever I am thinking sometimes.
We had a friend’s one year birthday party yesterday and it was fabulous to be able to go. I was happy to go and celebrate even though we didn’t stay long. We left at one which is usually about 15 minutes after their second nap. As soon as we put the babies in the car they fell asleep. No big deal right? I thought we could get home and take them out of their car seats, straight into their cribs, and they would continue their naps. WRONG. They instantly started freaking out. We have them about 20 minutes to try to fall asleep but it wasn’t happening. So, we got them up and fed them. During this time, I told my husband that this is why I feel like a prisoner in my own home and the babies are the warden. Whether is aware of it or not, he very sternly said if you are so miserable find a job and send them to daycare. I know this is quite a man’s response. If you are feeling a certain way then there must be a solution to the “problem”. However, it was just how I was feeling at the time. The conversation ensued and it was a shit show. I was crying so hard my eyes are swollen today and no matter how I tried explaining myself he wasn’t receiving it. He sees it differently and I guess that’s why people say there are three sides to a story, his, mine and the truth. I tried explaining that I see other people take their babies to things and carry on with their lives. However, its different we have two babies the exact same age and I have them on such a schedule and routine (which works for them and makes them happy) that when we deviate from it the consequence is epic.
Well after we fed the babies and gave them some wind down time we tried to put them down for another nap although it was so far out of their schedule still. When we put them down I ran to the grocery store to get some air and I needed a forgotten ingredient for dinner. When I came home I could hear the baby crying before I opened the door. Gabe apparently had hit his head on his crib and was crying so hard he was hyperventilating. I took him rocked him and sang him his favorite song. I got him calmed down even though you could still hear his little gasps for air as he was trying to calm down. He was so overtired that he was freaking out. I gave him a couple more minutes and laid him back down. I let those bubs nap for longer than normal to catch up.
Let me be clear, I appreciate and am thankful for the fact that I can stay home and be with my babies. I quit a good job to take care of these babies. I understand that my husband cannot fully empathize with me. But the truth is this is my whole life now. I have friends that have so far distanced themselves because they do not understand what it is like to have a baby and they certainly don’t know anyone with twins. I have gained other friends that have kids and do get it and I am so thankful for that. In addition to that I don’t have much family, supportive family or help. My husband is my ally and my partner and I am so grateful for him. I love every ounce of him. But yesterday when he didn’t get me I have never felt so alone in all my life. Being a stay-at-home mom can feel like an island sometimes. You are standing alone with no one in sight sometimes. I feel isolated and further removed from my old reality than I ever have. Just because I feel this way doesn’t mean I want to abandon my babies at a daycare where I don’t know how they will be treated not to mention the expense. But I am still entitled to feel this way and dammit that’s how I felt yesterday. Like I said in the beginning it is my truth.
I have not figured out the fine line between making the babies adapt to my schedule rather I’ve immersed myself into making their days happy and restful. The consequence of that is I don’t get out often with them and when I do it is a catastrophe. It will have to be something I have to figure out.
I have read with twins things never necessarily get easier they just get different. But hopefully this aspect does get easier as something else gets harder.
On a lighter note, my crazy and mostly sweet babies are 8 months today. I am thankful I get to see every milestone and advance that they make.