Earlier this week I blogged about things that I have learned about my marriage since having the twins. I have really reflected on what I have learned about myself both good and bad in the last nine months since I became a mother. That’s right 9 months! The bubs are 9 months as of today although I feel like some how they have regressed into fussy newborns. Actually newborn stage was easier than this. They are super clingy, nothing satisfies them, they used to play independently but now they just roll over onto their bellies and cry. Hopefully, this too shall pass. But if there is anyone out there with some encouragement I will gladly take it.
But I digress. So, in the last nine months I have found this out about myself in no particular order:
- I really need to work on my patience. I always knew I was impatient but now I really know that I need to work on it. I have always worked in fast pace jobs. Being a mother is a fast paced job but I don’t get to work at my fast pace. I am at the mercy of two tiny dictators that half the time don’t know what they want. Many days I find myself taking a step back and asking God to grant me some serenity.
- I know nothing about babies and kids. I went into this never having changed a diaper or anything. My whole pregnancy I said I know nothing about being a mother and it freaked me out. Everyone always responded it comes naturally. They are full of shit. I wish these babies came with instruction manuals. I have had to learn everything the hard way and a lot of it was trial and error. It doesn’t just come naturally.
- I have a lot more anxiety than I thought I did. I have always been shy and got nervous in social situations. To the point I would dread going places but now going out with the fear that my babies might make a total scene is enough to make me retreat into my house unless I am pushed to get out. I get anxiety about everything since the babies came. If they make a peep during their naps I sit here and have anxiety that the whole day is going to be ruined. People tell you to get over your anxiety. Well if it worked like a switch that would be nice wouldn’t it?
- I don’t always handle stress very well. I have found myself lying on the floor with the babies crying with them because nothing I am doing is working. This is by far the hardest job I have ever had. There are no breaks or days off. It is constant. Combine that with a lack of sleep and it could make the strongest person crack at some point. I also deflect my stress onto others, like my poor husband. I need to work on that. My husband is my partner not there to be my whipping boy. But as I said in my blog earlier unfortunately sometimes the ones you love most get the brunt of everything (which DOES NOT make it right).
- I want to end this list on a positive note though. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Surviving the twin pregnancy was a feat in and of itself, between the constant nausea, puking, insomnia, pain in hips and back, swelling like a balloon and fatigue. During delivery, I delivered them both vaginally. Gabriel, baby B, had a prolapsed umbilical cord. He was delivered 14 minutes after Noah and I had no break between breaths. It was a matter of life or death to get him out. Thank goodness for my doctor and the strength I summoned to push him out. Then came the babies and I was running of pure coffee fumes for the first couple months. I had no help besides my husband in the beginning and he only got a week off of work. I also spent easily three hours a day pumping with brand new newborns. Then I got sick between getting my gallbladder out, kidney stones and prolapsed bladder. Probably all complications from pregnancy. I never aspired to be a stay-at-home mom. In fact I snubbed my nose at them. That was so foolish and misguided. As I said before this is easily the hardest job I have ever had and will ever have in my life. For these reasons I have discovered that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for.
- Lastly, I have a lot of love to give. I’ve spent much of my younger life being angry, I’ve since tried to work on myself. But after the babies came, I realized there is a lot of love inside me dying to come out.
I’m sure this list will nothing but expand as the months and years go by.
What have you learned since becoming a mother?