This morning as I am feeling bloated and disgusting and getting down on myself, I needed a reminder of how far I have come. While I was pregnant I gained either 72 lbs or 74 lbs I cannot remember for sure so I don’t want to lie to you. I will not give you numbers but I was up there. I was miserable. I never imagined gaining that much weight. I was slow and steady in the beginning but after my second trimester it came on so quickly. I suppose when I stopped regurgitating everything that I was eating. Looking in the mirror this morning I was disgusted with what I saw. My tummy still hangs and is marred by the mirage of stretch marks. However, like I said I needed a reminder. So, I pulled up this picture my husband had put together. On the left is the day I came home with the bubs. For some reason after I pushed out the babies I thought I would lose all the extra blood, water and weight from the babies. WRONG. I came home looking huge still. The picture on the right I am four months postpartum. As you can tell the bubs are in their Christmas jammies. I was down 67 pounds at that point. Only 7 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight.
Today I am down 84 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight about 11 pounds lighter than when I started. Yet most of my clothes still don’t fit. My jeans are tight around the stomach and my shirts don’t fit over my milk filled breasts. It’s hard to look at the reflection in the mirror some days because I look so different. I did not start this journey out skinny. I have never really been skinny and always “struggled” with my weight. I will not make excuses for the size but eating healthy was never ever a priority growing up. At one point when I was on a teenager I decided to exercise and eat healthy everyday and lost a considerable amount of weight. So much so that I was able to spend that summer in a bikini. It felt amazing. I am not really sure what went wrong but I stopped what I was doing and gained the weight back rapidly. And my weight has fluctuated since then but pretty much stayed the same. However, I am tall and my frame is not small so even though I was considered overweight I looked proportionate at times and I am convinced I carry a 1/4 of my weight in my bra. My point is that before I got pregnant I worked really hard on my self-confidence and I felt good. Now, at times, not so much.
However, the picture above needs to serve as a reminder of how far I have come. I need to accept the reflection in the mirror. It is mine and my body has gone through a lot. Twin pregnancy is no joke. My body is still left with the hardship between a bladder prolapse, constant back pain and I’m pretty sure they depleted all my calcium leaving my teeth aching and brittle. I am proud to say that I have lost the weight even if my body isn’t left in the same condition. All that was endured is a labor of love to the two little miracles that I am left with. I want to continue to work on myself. I contribute a huge part of my weight loss to pumping 8 times a day. And maybe the 30 flights of stairs that I climb everyday since their room is on the second floor and their playroom is in the basement. That may have something to do with it. But I am down to two pumps a day and I am not sure how many calories that all burns so I probably need to start watching what I eat more. In addition to that the babies are starting to eat real people food. Like I said earlier in this blog I didn’t have a good foundation for healthy eating. I grew up around junk and diet sodas. I want my kids to know what healthy food choices are and I really hope that they don’t even know what soda tastes like. I only drink soda now maybe once every other month when I really, really crave a Cherry Coke from one of those fancy soda machines like they have in Wendy’s and Qdoba. Other than that I have my coffee in the morning and lots and lots of water. I don’t want my kids struggling with their weight from an early age. No kids should have to endure that if it can be stopped.
I am not really a vain person, that is not what this blog is about. It’s about wanting to be healthy and to accept the person that I am and the reflection that I see in the mirror. I worked hard to get where I am. I need to look past the flabby skin and stretch marks and realize that I worked hard to get where I am and I will continue to try to work hard on who I want to be from here on out.